It’s difficult to create a post right now. Words don’t come easy. I don’t see a reason to share the not so happy parts of my Lightworker existence. But still I have the feeling as well, that it could be incredible important for some people.
So I try to explain my situation. Maybe it opens my eyes to new perspectives as well.
So about my life: There is a complicated task about my grandma. Also about her is, that I took care of her for three years and now have to find out who I am without this duty on my shoulders. I defined myself through it. When somebody asked me what I do, ‘I take care of my Grandma’. It made possible to show my power and it also is easier to understand than ‘I’m a Lightworker’. Which is a tough thing too, but it is a world that doesn’t exist for many minds.
So my nan is in rehab now, after she had a cerebral hemorrhage and a fractured cervical. So I’m not responsible for her well-being anymore. I’m totally okay with that actually, because since summer I feel I have to move on. But back then it wasn’t possible. She wasn’t willing to let me go and I was too proud on what I did to simply give it up and to admit to myself that I came close to my boundaries. And there was nobody who could do what I could. None of us would have dared to just give her into a nursing home. So I did this a half year longer. Thanks universe that it sent me an incredible soul who refilled me with loving hugs.
Sadly for her, Grandma won’t be able to go back into her home after rehab. The care that she needs now, she’ll only get in a nursing home. I will have to talk to her about this today.
Grandma became my life in a not so positive way. She won’t live forever, I don’t want to face the question ‘who am I without her?’ when she’s gone. So I seek the answer now.
Beside this big construction site, I have a few other things that bother me. Two and a half years ago I quitted school (to explain why would need its own post) and since that, I do something like a home school. I can take all the time that I need, they don’t say ‘you have to finish this until … ‘ but that I didn’t come far in this long time, because my nan claimed all my attention and energy, makes me crazy. Especially with spanish. (I love languages and wish I could just speak them all.) I know someone who’s native language is spanish and I wish I would be good enough to have at least a little conversation.
And the third thing that dominates my thoughts, is my dream. I want to be a publishing book author.
I first wanted to say ‘artist’, but you don’t need to sell stuff or to be good with technique, to be one. In fact you don’t even need to paint, write, photograph, dance, etc. You just need to be awake, to have the color, the vibration in your heart. In fact Lightwork is Artwork. All of you who are spiritually open, have you thought about this before? It just came into my mind, I think it’s a beautiful consideration.
Then I wanted to use the word ‘writer’ for what I want to be, but obviously I am one. I write with heart and enjoy every word of it, if it’s the shopping list or my spiritual world that I share here to people all over the world.
It might not always be comfortable to be so open but I obviously have the need to share my thoughts, otherwise I wouldn’t do this. I have nothing to hide if these things are help for others.
(Imagine, I typed this big post into my tiny ‘old’ mobile phone last night)