Who am I without what I was used to do

It’s difficult to create a post right now. Words don’t come easy. I don’t see a reason to share the not so happy parts of my Lightworker existence. But still I have the feeling as well, that it could be incredible important for some people.
So I try to explain my situation. Maybe it opens my eyes to new perspectives as well.
So about my life: There is a complicated task about my grandma. Also about her is, that I took care of her for three years and now have to find out who I am without this duty on my shoulders. I defined myself through it. When somebody asked me what I do, ‘I take care of my Grandma’. It made possible to show my power and it also is easier to understand than ‘I’m a Lightworker’. Which is a tough thing too, but it is a world that doesn’t exist for many minds.
So my nan is in rehab now, after she had a cerebral hemorrhage and a fractured cervical. So I’m not responsible for her well-being anymore. I’m totally okay with that actually, because since summer I feel I have to move on. But back then it wasn’t possible. She wasn’t willing to let me go and I was too proud on what I did to simply give it up and to admit to myself that I came close to my boundaries. And there was nobody who could do what I could. None of us would have dared to just give her into a nursing home. So I did this a half year longer. Thanks universe that it sent me an incredible soul who refilled me with loving hugs.
Sadly for her, Grandma won’t be able to go back into her home after rehab. The care that she needs now, she’ll only get in a nursing home. I will have to talk to her about this today.
Grandma became my life in a not so positive way. She won’t live forever, I don’t want to face the question ‘who am I without her?’ when she’s gone. So I seek the answer now.
Beside this big construction site, I have a few other things that bother me. Two and a half years ago I quitted school (to explain why would need its own post) and since that, I do something like a home school. I can take all the time that I need, they don’t say ‘you have to finish this until … ‘ but that I didn’t come far in this long time, because my nan claimed all my attention and energy, makes me crazy. Especially with spanish. (I love languages and wish I could just speak them all.) I know someone who’s native language is spanish and I wish I would be good enough to have at least a little conversation.
And the third thing that dominates my thoughts, is my dream. I want to be a publishing book author.
I first wanted to say ‘artist’, but you don’t need to sell stuff or to be good with technique, to be one. In fact you don’t even need to paint, write, photograph, dance, etc. You just need to be awake, to have the color, the vibration in your heart. In fact Lightwork is Artwork. All of you who are spiritually open, have you thought about this before? It just came into my mind, I think it’s a beautiful consideration.
Then I wanted to use the word ‘writer’ for what I want to be, but obviously I am one. I write with heart and enjoy every word of it, if it’s the shopping list or my spiritual world that I share here to people all over the world.
It might not always be comfortable to be so open but I obviously have the need to share my thoughts, otherwise I wouldn’t do this. I have nothing to hide if these things are help for others.

Much Love

(Imagine, I typed this big post into my tiny ‘old’ mobile phone last night)


13 thoughts on “Who am I without what I was used to do

  1. Hi Fillandra, Thankyou for your courage to share your experience, I found it so helpful and inspiring – I am going through a similar experience looking after my mother for several years now, whilst also trying to be myself as a painter. I love your phrase Lightwork is Artwork – definitely a Beautiful Consideration 🙂 My best wishes to you (and your Grandma), and please continue to pursue your dream(s). Very best of luck, and much love, Victoria x

  2. My grandma passed away when I was 9.
    It was one of the hardest things I had to go through, because that was also the time I was bullied and so going over to my grandma’s was like my refuge, without my refuge it was difficult but I got through somehow.
    I’m now 15 and although I don’t have my grandma with me, my memories of her are my refuge.

    • Oh, strong girl! I really can understand what it means to be bullied. I dealed with this problem since kindergarten, until we moved to another city in 2009.
      Don’t you think that your grandma is with you as a higher dimensional spirit? I’m sure she still sends her deepest love to you, though she is one with the universe again.

      Love and Light

  3. I think being a lightworker is full of ugly at times. Being aware of it and overcoming is a lesson we have pledged to work. We must see these aspects of life to truly understand and move past them to be a benefit to others. Many, many people struggle with caretaking and living as individuals…they struggle with barriers, and with the question of did I show enough love in this situation and 5,000 other questions that the voice in your head comes up with. I think you have a wonderful opportunity to be a voice of experience and of lessons learned to caregivers in your area, or maybe just random people that cross your path. I encourage you to keep up your education, as that is critical to your financial well being–but take this and use it somehow. You know the biggest population growth right now is age group 85+, that’s just going to keep trending upward. I think you’ll have a lot of opportunity to help others with your story. What a wonderful granddaughter you have been–I bet a million people would do anything to have a small piece of the love and dedication you have shown.

  4. Thank you, I know many people underestimate the extent of bullying whether it’s cyber, physical or verbal but it really does effect people immensely, and I appreciate it a lot when I find people who can see that, so thank you. I understand what you mean, it’s as though my grandma is still with me sometimes in some form of presence but there’s a haze separating us from becoming fully aware of eachother. Best of luck, I hope all goes well for you c:

    • 🙂 Yes I truly understand what it means. It took me so much time to heal the emotional wounds and some days ago I realised that there are still things inside that come out to be heald in love and light.
      It makes incredible strong, that’s a little consolation, isn’t it?

      Thank you, Much Love

  5. Hi Fillandra,

    Well… it’s an interesting post in which you opened your heart & Soul a little for whomever happens to read you, and that’s very noble of you.
    I think you have to ask the question to yourself: “Why is my Grandma so important to me?” and work from there.
    There’s a lot of energy work to do when it comes to the emotional realms. If you learn how to trust your Divine guidance, that is your Intuition, you’ll never be alone or go wrong.
    The way you write makes me think that you are of a young age (I may be wrong) so you may wish to unburden yourself with responsibilites by learning to look inside you and just be very proud for what you have done for your dear Grandma by avoiding to have feelings of self-judgement or guilt.
    The answers to all our questions are always within us. Sometimes it takes a little longer for us to see them but they’re there.

    You are a beautiful Soul, a beautiful artist, writer, dreamer and whatever you want will happen if you know how to shift your thinking patterns in the right direction. But being a Lighworker, I don’t need to tell you any of this… do I? 😉

    All the very best, Love & Light to you
    Tree Spirit

    • Hello lovely Tree Spirit 🙂

      For me there is no ‘why’ when it comes to love. My heart chakra is open, I love. It’s an unpersonal, unconditinoal love, that I feel for granny as much as for the rest of the world. Hmmm… I’m not sure if I got what you mean with I should ask myself this question. But I know what you mean with the emotional realms, on a personaly level but also in the human collective, there is a lot to heal and I am one of the Lightworker who do that.

      Yes, my age… I’m very young for you. And on the other side, ten years ago this age seemed incredible old to me.
      I don’t like to show my age on the blog because I’m an old soul and very aware about that, it’s just my body that is so young. People who read my posts seem to get the feeling I’m around their age and I like that, because I think that gives a feeling of understanding to the mind.

      I don’t think that it has to do with my age that I wanted to free myself from this responsibility. It is more that I am someone who has to change and constanly move. I did this service for three years which is incredibly long excapt if something is able to change and move with me. But my nan isn’t spiritually open, not a little. And she doesn’t like changes at all, getting the creeps everytime I had a new hair cut for example.

      The thoughts that run through my head or the emotions that come through me, often are very unpersonal at the end and tied to the human collective, which also is why I write about it.

      Lots of Light and Love

      • Hi dearest Filla,

        I just loved the way you started your reply back to me: “… there is no Why when it comes to Love…”. Indeed, indeed.

        The “asking yourself the question” bit… I meant, perhaps you want your dear Nan to be blessed with your own Lightwork gifts/practices/knowledge so she can also benefit from higher consciousness or enlightenment. So she is uncondiitonally important to you because you are a very loving and sensitive being who will give without asking to receive. At least this is what I sense from reading you, especially now that you’re saying that your Nan is not a spiritually open person. It is even more of a beautiful challenge for you or anyone in your position.

        Age… it’s not really important, in the higher sense of things. What is important is one’s Heart. How do we fill our Heart & Soul is what matters.

        We Love to Love, that’s for sure!

        Blessings to your days~~~
        Tree Spirit

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