9 Roses for 19 Years


Today I have three photos from my birthday, which are waiting for a week now to get shared.

I’ve been some kind of lazy lately, concentrated on my guitar homework and only the most important to-do’s.
Being lazy actually means trying to keep my feet still and recover. Yet about three weeks ago I said in a post that it is hard for me to just do nothing. I constantly feel the need to do something productive and that I waste valuable time, current circumstances are to blame. Unfortunately I’m totally leached out, so it’s time for me to learn spending time chilling on the couch without feeling guilty. Those who read my blog for longer know I took care of my Grandmother for three years untill she had something like a stroke at the beginning of this year and I had to give her into a nursing home. Since the stroke she got more and more demented…
So I come to terms with two kinda things. The three years care taking on one side. On the other side all what I got to see this year and that I guess was toooo much… just recently she was in hospital again. Her state of health has worsened a lot over the last month. Nothing is left of the Grandma I knew and loved when I was a child. This picture of her I had in my mind got its first deep scratches after about a year of care taking, then she got the stroke and was a totally different person and on top of that I got to see some (more) dark sides of her while Mom and I cleared out her flat.
Of course this needs time to settle. And along I learn to accept the existence of my vulnerable sides, the fact that a flower isn’t as hard as a rock – what a luck that she smells good.

Now a poor transition back to my birthday photos, lol. Such a heavy subject and then back to a happy day and sunny photos. Is that a character of my blog? :p
I had enough time to think about whether I share them or not, and still want to. The photo of myself I made all alone, using the automatic release.Β Β  Me, the roses and the gifts I got from my Mom.

Peace! πŸ™‚

P.s. Didn’t 2 of my readers said that they take/took care too? How are you doing? Are you going through similar adjusting processes?

P.s.s. I updated this page: Writer


16 thoughts on “9 Roses for 19 Years

  1. Hi Fillandra, thankyou for sharing your birthday photos, very beautiful. Also, for sharing your experiences with caring for your Grandmother and how you feel now. The last 2 years I have been caring for my mum who was prescribed wrong medication, hospitalised and ever since, totally changed as a person. I still care for her most days, and your words about deep scratches now on the pictures of your Grandmother in your mind, competely resonate for me. It is very painful when someone you love is changed so much, and your words touched and helped me.
    Keep chilling out and look after yourself, wishing you many more happy & sunny days πŸ™‚
    all my best, victoria x

    • Thank you! β™₯β™₯β™₯
      I really hoped to get reply from other care takers, it is very comforting to feel understood.

      I wish you lot’s of blissful sunny and relaxing days too. Let’s grow from this πŸ™‚

  2. I’m so sorry to hear of your grandmother, and it’s wonderful you were able to take such care of her for all that time. When my grandparents were at the end of their lives I was young and far away, and didn’t take time to spend with them, much as I adored them, and I’m sorry about that.

    I did spend several months taking care of my 22 year old daughter at the end of her life. She had lymphoma that had spread, and after 2 brain surgeries was in hospice care, with no mobility for the last couple of months. I was honored and grateful to be able to take care of her at home, and we had a beautiful time together those last months. It has helped me a great deal with the loss, as it came about gradually, with time to say goodbye.

    I hope you are taking good care of yourself now!

    Happy Birthday! blessings,

    • Thank you soo much β™₯
      It must be a whole nother level to be a mother and give all you can to your child. My Mom took care of my older sister, who is disabled, for as long as she could (which is one of the reasons why I took care of my Grandma and still do her paperwork). Mom says the power you get when you’re caring for children is divine πŸ™‚

      Some things take a lot of time… healing, recovering, integrating what happened. Here in Germany we say ‘Gras wΓ€chst nicht schneller indem man daran zieht.’ which means something like ‘Grass doesn’t grow faster by pulling it.’
      Another thing is feeling guilty for things you don’t need to feel guilty for. Like me right now, I cannot visit my Grandma often, I simply don’t know where to get the power from. I remind myself that I cannot force it and in fact, I don’t have the feeling I can help and please her anymore and five minutes after I left she has forgotten that I was there…

      I thank you for visiting me here on my blog πŸ™‚ I liked what I read on yours. All day I remembered this one photo of you and your daughter, which i saw this morning. It is so beautiful, it moved me deeply.

      Love, Peace & Light

  3. Thank you for the like Fillandra (I love the name…so unusual !!). πŸ˜€
    I understand totally where you are coming from. 18 months ago the lady I cared for for 2 years died of cancer and even now I am under the specialist for the after effects of caring 24/7 pretty much on my own. Big hug. Ralph xox πŸ˜€

    • Aww thank you Ralph πŸ™‚
      The name I got 5 years ago in a dream. It is a spiritual, an arcturian soul name πŸ™‚

      Your fish which gave your blog its name has my favorite color πŸ˜€ Your post made me think about writing a post about my blog name too πŸ™‚

      One of the first things one, or at least I have to accept after and while this all, is the fact that this all leached me out, that I am not a hard as a rock and can not take everything like a celestial superhero. I generally have a problem with accepting the less comfortable sides of being human…

      Well we are all here to learn and grow. The most healing is to celebrate the blissful thigs every moment offers you, which is the shortcut story of my blog title. πŸ™‚

      Big hug

      • Sorry I was so long in replying my friend but I finally made it.
        It’s very interesting how people pick up names such as you with Fillandra. I wonder if I have a name ? If you feel that it’s a right thing to do then do a post on your name. I am sure that it will be informative πŸ˜€
        None of us are hard as rock or like being chipped away by the unsavoury side of life. I wish you well and that you find that sweet spot of resonance with your true self. Happy Tuesday. xox

  4. Hi Fillandra!!
    Happy Birthday!! Happy wonderful photos you are sharing with us. I’m sorry I haven’t comment before, I’ve been busy with lots of things going on.

    You are a very caring Soul and wherever you put your attention and your heart everyone will benefit. You did/do the best to help your Grandma but also think about yourself and try to detach from feelings of lower energies, like guilt or unworthiness.
    “Energy flows where attention goes” … remember. Focus on the positives of everyone and every situation and your life will start changing for the better.

    Sending you a big Birthday hug! πŸ™‚
    Tree Spirit

  5. You are inspiration in a very similar-to-life way, you know? I heard about you from Srishti (she’s my BFF), and I must say I know now why she’s been talking about you.
    You’re good, Fillandra. It’s nice to read and know you. I’ll be back soon.
    Keep up the good work.


    Just in case you feel like crashing: snigdharai.wordpress.com

    • OMG! Thank you very much! Your words make my heart smile πŸ™‚
      To inspire and make others feel good is exactly what I do this blog for.
      Srishti is really cool, we are writing emails for some days now, I like her πŸ™‚

      Love & Light

      • When you help, no matter how big or small, your heart smiles. I am really sad to know of your Grandma, but I guess this is life. Life is like the river, it moves on. We need to be the waves and move ahead along with it! I hope everything is well and good.
        I really like the b’day pics Fillandra!

        Loads of Love and best wishes

        P.s: Thanks Fillandra! It’s fun talking to you too! πŸ˜€

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