The Cause of my Self-awareness

Hi dear lovely reader!

This is the second part of the previous ‘self-awareness questions’ post. If you haven’t read the other one, you will find a link at the end of this one. It doesn’t matter which one you read first.

The answers I gave to this questions show to me the person that I became out of all the circumstances I faced.
I am a 19 years old german, I grew up in a small town in the north which is populated with people who don’t fit my personal vibration, raised by a single mother who had to deal with my disabled older sister and the system non-compliant self that I am. I always had problems with the systems structures, not being comfortable with kindergarten, school or even the simple common educational methods.
I was bullied by the other children (and adults) ever since I was in kindergarten, my Mom came from southern germany and so I had no chance to be accepted from the beginning on. On top being so unusual gave the rest to it.
When I just turned 15 (4 years ago), Mom and I moved to her hometown. The place where Grandma lives. No idea where else to go, the main thing was getting rid of all the unbearable circumstances.
From the first days we lived here on, I took care of my Grandma, her state of health dropped immediately, now that she wasn’t alone anymore.
I decided to take care of her, winged by the passion of being able to do it (and because my Mom took care of my sister for so long, she couldn’t have done it). Irrespective of that, I started healing the wounds from my past (I did good work here), becoming more spiritual, more philosophical, more conscious. I got rid of 25 kilo overweight…
I tried to go back into school (2010), which caused an energetic shock. I was out of the system machine for something like a year and had grown on the spiritual and empathetic level. Now I had to get myself back into this little box, on top of that I was in a big city now where there weren’t 2 classes of 28 pupils on one level, but 5 of 31. That was all too much and overwhelming for me. My body reacted absolutely embarrassing by giving me the feeling I need to pee, as if I would pee into my pants the next moment.
It took me a long time until I understood what my body was telling me. I went to doctors who said this and that but obviously couldn’t understand it either.
I managed it going to school for 3 days, then I was unable to go into the city, unable to be outside with stranger people for almost two years. This brought me to the decision of quitting school. Not because I’m against education, no that means a lot to me, but I don’t agree with the school system – and I simply was unable to attend.
My decision brought my Mom and me into a lot of trouble. We got indicted and even had the police in our house at one night. That is two years ago now.
Now I do home school and have my peace again. But it was a hard time. I am so so thankful that my Mom had so much patience and respect for me and for what I was going through. She protected me like a lion mother and gave me all the time I needed to find the strength again, being able to face the city streets full of emotionally unbalanced people without falling out of my own thin balance.
At the time when we were indicted, my Grandmas apartment was a secure place where I could hide. I was still seeing her through the eyes of the young child being by the side of the loving Grandma, and felt petted and loved.
Bit by bit I woke up from this illusion. I realised my Grandma was a completely different person than she pretended to be. She was a perfect actress, not only the job she had on stage in her past. I started to see her wounds caused in her childhood and later by the war and I started to see  her emotional grip on me, which made me feel unfree about what I was doing. Also her state of health got worse and worse, she was (and is) in pain… If you take care of an elderly person, you watch her/him dying every day, week by week, month by month. Things are coming to an end, forever.
Summer 2012 I reached a point where I was ‘done’. It took another half-year until the Universe could take this job of my shoulders. I remember talking to her in November last year, telling her that I’m empty. And she just was close to tears, recalcitrant like a little child, feeling unloved and unappreciated. She didn’t even listen to what I was explaining. The only thing she heard was that I didn’t want to do it anymore.
From January 9th on you know the story of her and me… Her being in hospital, then in rehab, then me capturing an occupancy in a nursing home for her. Mom and I cleaned out her old apartment, which was so straining, at the end phase everything was flea-bitten because it was clammy outside and the heating was off. In the summer we/I drove her in her wheelchair through the city, which was very straining as well.
I still do her paperwork. I should do it now, but inspiration is flooding me so I write.
I got criticized for not visiting her often anymore. I do it once a week, at least every second…
For the last two years Grandma was ruling my life. Now I slowly come back to myself. I had this kinda ‘down phase’ aka healing phase (I think phase is currently my favorite word :D) from August on. I had to recover from the care taking time but even more from all I had seen this year, it was a lot to swallow at once. Beside that Universe made me heal some things from the past that I wasn’t aware of before. The guitar course I took part in, brough it up. Fears, doubts, experiences… caused by my earlier school time. It was fear like ‘oh no, I didn’t practice the guitar – now I will sit there, everybody else is sitting there being pro, and enjoying my failure – the teacher is mad as hell and will make a fool out of me in front of everybody’. Sometimes it took a lot for me to breath deeply and not back down. When I went out of the class I always had a good time and made a lot of good experiences. I can hardly describe how important this was to me.
I’m still in this very intense healing phase but on a sunny side again. I got into flow with it, just breathing through what ever comes up.
Currently I’m expressing my creativity through pottery and baking (a new project) which is healing on an unemotional level.

You get to know yourself quite good when you don’t look away, when you spent hours, weeks, years with yourself to heal. I love the fascination for myself which grew out of this process.

I feel totally happy right now that I could express and share some more sides of myself which are new to you. I hope that I am able to give Inspiration and Strength to some of you. Don’t back down, breathe deeply and hold onto your center, your balance.

Here is the other part of this post:  s e l f . a w a r e n e s s . q u e s t i o n s ~ by Sarah Hawkinson

Love Light Peace Inspiration, last but not least: Bliss

Have a good week
Fillandra

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