i stood in the forest and he called me by the name that i used to see myself in. just that moment i realised that i dont anymore. five and a half years ago i received the name in a dream, with this i close a big chapter and leave as a new person. i go back to the truth im born with and grow with that because i realised that nothing can be more authentic. i alone decide now what i change. i dont adopt anything, i dont search outside, i dont make myself anything that i dont feel. i didnt realise that i did. i didnt realise that i was in fear and in a constant feeling of having to save my life.
i accept that i am young and realise that this doesnt make my mature parts less true. I accept that in a reality that lets you experience time and movement you have to learn, to change, to let go. i accept myself and the transformation i bring. i accept that my presence is not always comfortable to myself and others because i bring transformation. i realised that i only truly hurt people when i try not to. if i just naturally flow guided by my inner voice i might cause pain but healing. I embrace myself more than i ever did. with all i go through. with being so individual that i cannot find myself in the human collective, i got that and will stop searching there. I will spend these days listening to what my own inner voice wants me to know.
call me alisha, i said to him. thats something normal, everyone has that name that the parents chose. i like it though to choose a name for myself. this time i will find one that is not even given by a dream. and until that this me will be a free and unnamed transformative writer.
in love, light and healing tears