feeling my roots

I was so ready for this holiday. One week, 7 hours train ride away from my responsibilities, in/near my home town at the baltic sea.
Yet I didn’t expect to feel that comfortable there, because 2009 I left with a big emotional bag of hate, pain, frustration, etc..
Of course I did a lot of healing work since then, yet the last two times (and first times since 2009) I traveled back there (last year) still were emotionally loaded and I’m glad that I had my loved boyfriend with me, he really was a support and kept me in the present moment.
This time I had to travel alone and expected it be more a challenge but also felt braced and ready.   But my expectations went over board the moment the train doors opened. My feet touched the ground of the small city I was born in almost 21 years ago, Oldenburg in Holstein. I instantly felt the empowering familiarity of my roots, yet anything uncomfortable I braced myself against wasn’t there anymore. And it didn’t come up once, the whole week I was there. Well okay once because of my grandma (not the one I take care of) who meant to dig in the very wounds she (and some thinking like her) caused years ago. But I don’t count that.   Especially now that I came to realize that their judgement and criticism is in fact hidden justification because they feel insecure about who they are when I’m around. Not everything people criticise because they don’t like it, often they want to be like this or do this too, but think they can’t.

IMG_9181

I enjoyed spending quality time with my three siblings and family.
And I also had time for the newer parts of myself, those that enjoy to be alone. I went on walking through my hometown Heiligenhafen, with my camera, twice. When I was young I would have never done that. I, first of all, hated it to be alone, but I also was too shy to go out alone. That’s something Wiesbaden taught me. As well as the ability to orientate myself.
Especially the first days, I was absolutely fascinated by how obviously I was done with the past. I’m older, I’m grown, I’m wiser, I’m more self-confident and conscious in general, I’m so much happier and in flow with life, I’m just so much more myself.

I’m so thankful for this week, for the hospitality and respect of the people I met, for every single moment, the relaxation and inspiration…
And I wish that these good things stay with me and refresh and inspire my day to day life for as long as the magic can possibly last.

I’ll share a gallery with all the best photos in a new post, tonight or tomorrow.

IMG_9301Read you soon ❤
Fillandra


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