She wanted to leave. But did she really want? Because she didn’t leave. Only much later than she’d planned. What was holding her back? She didn’t know.
She couldn’t find a reason to speak up. That she wanted to leave could have been one, but it wasn’t in her world.
When she finally picked a bus she wanted to go home by, she asked her friend with a weak voice if it was okay if she left.
What was causing her to feel this bound? She didn’t know.
But in this moment she started to wonder why she didn’t just got up and said comfortably, with a sassy smile on her face ‘So folks it’s time for me to leave’ or something like that.
She felt like a weak nobody. Admitting to this seemed to be the only strength she had.
I wrote this some days ago when I came home. Especially the moment where I asked my friend if it was okay that I left in a way as if she was in charge of my freedom, that bothered me a lot.
I spent the last week of August feeling empowered and happy about how far I’ve come in life. This moment then was one that threw my attention back on the process. Coming from such a ‘high’ it makes you feel smashed and disbelieve all the good things that you’ve been feeling and thinking and experiencing before as if they have been nothing more than a daydream of a fool.
Well I thought about this situation then. I like to search for the best possible view on it, if I can. And I found that at least I’m not putting a fake strength mask on to pretend I’m confident and ‘cool’. I’m real even if I feel small and weak. And even if others think I’m a fool. What others think doesn’t even bother me that much anymore, actually.
Because especially these people, as much as I appreciate them, don’t know where I come from. Non of the friends I have these days, have known me in my darkest years. I went though my deepest shadows alone and so I came to realize that I have to feel good with myself, I have to know who I am and what’s going on in my depth.
We wish for others to know and heal our deepest inner so often but we are the only ones who can actually reach this depth. At least from what I experienced so far.
And do I like me even if I’m weak? Yes, actually I do… And my strength is that I’m not afraid to show that I’m sometimes weak or scared or insecure or helpless or what ever.
These are things every human being feels and we shouldn’t believe that these feelings mean that we are worthless or that something is wrong with us. Being scared or whatever, it doesn’t kill us. We resist these feelings, that is what makes us feel like dying. Learn to embrace your feelings and emotions. They are first of all just and experience, like everything. And they are a guide who shows us where we stand and which direction we’re facing. Become conscious about them and what they want to tell you.
Read you soon ❤