I woke up early this morning as I didn’t seem to have a deep sleep last night. It’s like my consciousness stayed near my body, and this body didn’t feel too comfortable, so I got frustrated after some time and started to ponder about things. Outside the sky lightened up in an interesting pale blue tone which looked, mixed with the orange street lights, a bit strange and out of this world. And there it suddenly broke loose – the first rush hour wave at 4 am in the morning. I live in a main road (luckily with good isolating windows) and I listened to the incoming madness. Every time the traffic lights up the street turned green, it’s like you open barn doors and a herd of wild horses dashes out.
Only that these people don’t run into their freedom…
I don’t live to do the same! I’m terrified of this lifestyle. I’ve been all my school years, which probably has been the end cause of my body developing symptoms, which made it impossible for me to continue (I left without graduation).
Some of my readers might remember my old posts about this. Out of the frustration I had because I ‘failed’, I developed this rebel mind. But also, if not more, because I began to realize why I was in this situation and what I actually wanted.
These days I have to ask myself with gnashing teeth if I can really make it without that stupid paper.
You know I don’t claim to burn down or close any school. I’m not against education. And to myself, I’m not lazy or dumb (my english is mostly self-taught), unlike to what some people assume after I tell them that I quitted school. It makes me crazy how then they willingly ignore anything wise I said before.
I just want to set a sign and ask for change! These papers become part of peoples personalities, in fact people measure each others worth based on their grades. And later based on their jobs, their income, their possessions… This is so fucked up it makes me feel sick in my stomach and really really sad. Where is the humanness? Where is the joy? Where is the creativity? Where is the love? Where is the individuality and the trust in the self and in others?
I always said I’d rather sleep under a bridge than being another rat in the wheel. (I’d prefer a creative solution in form of creating a way to earn money, fulfilling my purpose, though of course)
What changed? Not much, but I’m engaged and my Love and I want to move together. He studies and I can’t let him earn all the money alone, besides that I wouldn’t want this. I have a bit of an ego too and it wouldn’t be fair to him. He wants to study and shall have the time he needs for it.
For years now I wracked my brain, searched and even prayed… Always having this compass inside that tells me somewhere out there it is and it tells me I got way closer, yet the answer is still a mystery veiled in mist.
Sometimes this makes me feel so sick and tired… yet I haven’t kept going, since this journey started 2010, to give up now, have I? Another question could be ‘Is there another true path for me than this one?’
For those who ask themselves what did she do all this time? I took and take care of my grandma and live from family support still.
And I developed to the person who I am today. Happier, healthier (physical, emotionally, mentally, spiritually), more conscious and mindful, etc.
Well let me use this a bit as an unconventional and alternative job interview.
I’m 20, live in Wiesbaden Germany. I have spiritual healing abilities, though I just begin to consciously develop and understand them. I’m a writer and creative in general. I like to photograph and paint. Inspiring and assisting people with their life situation is my passion and purpose. My dream ‘job’ is a free and friendly mix of all this and has room for all the passions I have yet to discover. It gives me joy, chances to grow and learn and it gives others hope, inspiration and healing.
And it might be something new, created together with a group of loving, like-minded people.
Read you soon ❤