I feel yesterday was a success. I spent time with my fiancé and I’m happy how well I’ve been able to express what bothers me inside (in a respectful way, of course, especially when it comes to the things that included him as well).
Growing up I felt alone with my emotions and overwhelmed by all the impressions I got being exposed to the outer world, to the society and it’s standards, to other people on other vibrations…
Grown-ups couldn’t help me understanding. In fact they were so unaware of their own emotions and extrasensory perception in general, that I couldn’t even find words to explain my “problem”.
As a result of this, I started seeking ways to express and explain my inner world. Which obviously not everyone saw as a good thing. My Dad made fun of me “Oh you’re just so talkative”.
I started feeling unwanted. There I was now, giving all to share my inner true self, what I felt could benefit the people around me and they just let me know I was asking for too much attention and was wasting their precious time. Especially my Dad.
Till today I struggle with the feeling of guilt for being so open, yet my deep desire to share never left me. This is why I like Teal Sawns authenticity movement so much.
As natural, childhood imprints are put into spotlight in a relationship. And so that, what I just described, is a topic for me in mine.
From beginning on it was clear to me, that being able to be completely raw and open (both of us) is a must for me in order to feel safe. I’m not a person who jumps at others and claims that they have to be in a certain way or do something for me.
I live, show and explain my standards and hope others learn from my example (in a way it’s in alignment with their true self). And so I do with openness as well.
I still often feel ridiculous and vulnerable exposing myself. My insecurity tries to talk me into believing I make it too easy for him, that he doesn’t even have to ask, he doesn’t have to do anything to figure who I am (which is bullshit, because I have no clue if he actually understands me). And it tries to tell me that I shouldn’t lay myself open as long as the other isn’t willing to do so. (He often is a mystery to me.)
Yet again, I’m not someone who jumps at others, forcing anything. I’m an empathetic person, I understand his situation, at least a small bit and I know that mind force never leads to anything good, being put on a person.
p.s.: I recently updated my about me page.