the need to talk

I feel yesterday was a success. I spent time with my fiancé and I’m happy how well I’ve been able to express what bothers me inside (in a respectful way, of course, especially when it comes to the things that included him as well).

Growing up I felt alone with my emotions and overwhelmed by all the impressions I got being exposed to the outer world, to the society and it’s standards, to other people on other vibrations…
Grown-ups couldn’t help me understanding. In fact they were so unaware of their own emotions and extrasensory perception in general, that I couldn’t even find words to explain my “problem”.
As a result of this, I started seeking ways to express and explain my inner world. Which obviously not everyone saw as a good thing. My Dad made fun of me “Oh you’re just so talkative”.
I started feeling unwanted. There I was now, giving all to share my inner true self, what I felt could benefit the people around me and they just let me know I was asking for too much attention and was wasting their precious time. Especially my Dad.
Till today I struggle with the feeling of guilt for being so open, yet my deep desire to share never left me. This is why I like Teal Sawns authenticity movement so much.

As natural, childhood imprints are put into spotlight in a relationship. And so that, what I just described, is a topic for me in mine.
From beginning on it was clear to me, that being able to be completely raw and open (both of us) is a must for me in order to feel safe. I’m not a person who jumps at others and claims that they have to be in a certain way or do something for me.
I live, show and explain my standards and hope others learn from my example (in a way it’s in alignment with their true self). And so I do with openness as well.

I still often feel ridiculous and vulnerable exposing myself. My insecurity tries to talk me into believing I make it too easy for him, that he doesn’t even have to ask, he doesn’t have to do anything to figure who I am (which is bullshit, because I have no clue if he actually understands me). And it tries to tell me that I shouldn’t lay myself open as long as the other isn’t willing to do so. (He often is a mystery to me.)
Yet again, I’m not someone who jumps at others, forcing anything. I’m an empathetic person, I understand his situation, at least a small bit and I know that mind force never leads to anything good, being put on a person.

Namasté
Fillandra

p.s.: I recently updated my about me page

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4 thoughts on “the need to talk

    • Thank you Kim 🙂
      Of course not, though it’s understandable that we forget that in the circumstances of our society and we have to lovingly remind ourselves that we are just perfect how ever we feel we are in the current moment.
      It’s interesting though that you write that. Coming out behind my “I have the overview”-facade, I must admit that, though I wasn’t aware of it, I might have felt this way today.
      Thank you for reminding me ❤

      Much love
      Filla

  1. Dear Fillandra,

    what can I say?! – I hear you! (surprise, surprise…) ❤

    I often felt overwhelming to people – my dad, my mum, teachers, boyfriends, acquaintances… In fact, I just was confonted with an overdose of this, today. (Had another doctor's appointment… more about that via email when I have recovered from it.)

    But I more and more notice that it is not me who has to understand the world better – because I do, already. It is the world's turn to understand me better. I believe, this is the way of the new energy which wants to be lived on earth, now. And how can I be a pioneer who helps integrating this new energy if I mutilate myself to unrecognizableness?

    I, too, need that rawness and openess in relationships (love relationships as well as true friendships). Fortunately I sometimes meet people, who are couraged enough to give that a go – like my dear husband, for example. Or I meet people like you (and me), who cannot be any different. What a treasure!

    Kim is right, it is time for people to keep up with us and the new energy, not the other way round.

    Thank you, Filla, for being raw and open and authentic and for shining your love into the world!

    Much love,
    Steffi

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