Hurricane of Confusion

I’m hurricane when I’m trying to find myself, trying all my best to dance around people to avoid affecting or hurting them but in the end I whirl them around and affect them more than I might would, if I I’d try to figure out myself instead of trying to not hurt them… Something like that.
The thing about confusion is, that one can’t seem to find what is true and what not.
Is this right or will I regret it? It is really mean when you have two final options and both hurt, both feel unfair. One makes me hurt for letting go and ending, it makes me feel guilty and it scares me. The other option isn’t honest (unless I believe the voice in y head that tells me I just do it all wrong and if I figure out how to be right all is fine..) and maybe only maybe more pleased for the other one…

What is behind my fear of hurting others? Is truely everything related to me in the end? I search the root of all problems in me… Trying to find a “mistake” I made. But it’s that I always got blamed for everything. If things fell down and broke when I entered the room, or a light bulb blew off or what not happened, me and my destructive energy was always to blame.
Fact is I cannot talk someone out of self hate when I still got so much of it hidden inside of myself…

I’m thinking and feeling into myself for a couple of weeks now, attempting to find some clarity about my situation, if that’s at all possible, I get to conclusions but then again I end up more confused. It’s like my feeling field is way to huge to overlook…
Since I can think, I hope for an empathetic person to take me by the hand and show me how to overlook, understand and deal with feelings. But all people tell me are things like “you think too much” “don’t be silly” or they ask me to be something I’m not.
It’s a vicious circle because not being able to deal with my feelings makes me feel shity and ashamed of myself, which again causes more feeling confusion.
Sometimes I think it’s very simple, it’s the moment in the now I guess. But I have to make a decision and I have to make my point clear. And that’s something I run from because it terrifies me so much…

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