*click* I got it! ~ understanding the self

That moment when you get something about yourself, something you misunderstood for months and everything shifts and flows from there on, wow!

I’m currently reading an interesting book about discipline: Willpower: rediscovering our greatest strength. By Roy Baumeister and John Tierney. I read it neutrally, because I don’t resonate with everything they write, but I get a lot of inspiration from it. And as it often is, it was a little “unimportant” sentence that clicked the most so far. It says that daily routines strengthens the willpower in general and that writers benefit a lot if they just write a page each day. I knew that for a long time and I usually have a little notebook with me wherever I go. But this sentence made me get up, grab a piece of copy paper and decide that I’ll write a page each day from now on, for a book without concept, without a title, without a story idea. It’s a dream of mine to publish a book one day and I had multiple tries, but I always gave up because my mind made up concepts and ideas of what’s right and what not.  I committed myself to do these daily pages for 21 days and signed it at the end of the page.

After I wrote this first page, or rather in the process of writing it, the final aha happened. For a looong time I struggled with the fact that I felt unworthy, restless and in pain whenever I had an unproductive day. I thought it was because of societies expectations and the fact that I live a life far from those norms. I thought I just had to hush this feeling of guilt – which I never really could. I rarely ever felt like I did enough, no matter how much more I gave and how much further I bended myself into my (actual and self created) responsibilities (mainly taking care of people).

Now I got it! I realized it’s actually my subconscious reminding me of all the things I’d love to do, the things that found less and less place in my life, the more I created responsibilities hoping they’d hush that painful feeling.

The next day (Sunday) benefited from this realization. I woke up at 5 am with a scene that wanted to be written down. I didn’t like it too much and wanted to dream on, but it didn’t fade – it rather got even more detailed as I tried to shake it off. So I got up and wrote it down. Cool, the page is done before the day even started!

Later on that morning I met with the mother of a friend, who borrowed me her car, to go on a test drive together. Long story short, I’m super thankful for this incredible gift of opportunity. I have my driving licence for a year now and this is the first time I finally get a chance to actually use it and get routine in driving. Back home, having the car in front of my house, I was so overwhelmed by everything. I’m a high sensitive person, I always feel really strange after big new things. This time I naturally discharged this energetic overload into a painting. My little have brother asked me to paint the suicide squat joker for him, so I didn’t have to think. And like I did with the first so far pages, I cared not to let my mind bring a concept into it. Hush critic, this is a brand new acrylic book (or how ever to name it) you have enough more papers if this one turned out as something else then the joker. But it turned out quite well actually and is almost done šŸ™‚

My goodness, is cheap tablet I’m writing this post on, is so hard to work with -.- it does whatever it wants xD no wonder my grandparents gifted it to me, I bet it frustrated them too.

I enjoyed sharing this with you!

Have a wonderful day or night ā¤

Fillandra

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