I’m leaning against the window of the bus, watching the buildings of Wiesbaden drive by. It’s twelve pm and I know how privileged I am in my current life situation. I’m on my way to fulfill duties and I have a lot of stress lately, that other people don’t have, but what does that count in a moment one feels guilty for having what other people long for.
My friends are either in school, university or at work right now, while I can get my stuff done whenever I wake up and feel like leaving the house.
‘I need to get a job’, I think, feeling panik about having to give up that freedom and personality. But wait, do I have to?
The right thing shouldn’t feel wrong. The only question is, what is my right thing to do? I couldn’t find out yet. I made an education course and became a healing coach last year, that’s definitely my thing. And in general I know way better what I like and don’t like, what I’m capable of and what not. Yet I don’t feel ready to practice as a coach, because I’m young, I lack energetic stability and clarity at this point of my life and I doubt I will stay here any longer than I have to. I wanna see the world.
What else could I do in the meantime? I realized I have way to much stigma of what a job is and what it would feel like, to find one that is what I actually want. Yes you can attract and push away things at the same time. In other words, you can’t manifest your desires as long there is a voice in your head telling you it won’t work or be possible.
My spontaneous thought of what I would have to give up in order to earn a steady amount of money, shows how many stories about ‘you can’t have what you want’ I’m telling myself.
According to Teal Swan, those stories we tell ourselves have roots/reasons. So I’ll have to figure out mine, since I’m not going to give up on what I want my life to feel and be like.
Discovering and solving issues of my life is the hardest part. Nothing else takes this long, because I feel a great purpose in observing my thoughts, behavior and feelings around a stuck situation, in order to teach others what I learn from it and help them set themselves free. ….Then again I wonder why haven’t I written a thousand books yet? Because I doubt myself. The one that makes our life hard, is us. We don’t dare to shine out our raw authentic selves, we don’t act because we think we can’t, we don’t love ourselves enough to feel strong. Let’s practice changing those hundreds of generations old patterns!
I’ll keep you updated