The Illusion of Normal ~ Pole of Stillness * Writer’s Diary #2

Humanity on the streets appears like a shoal of fish to me sometimes. Striving into certain directions, running their errands, as if they were on auto pilot.
I love to exit that rushing flow sometimes, to be a pole of stillness at the side of the passenger zone. All winter, I longed for the warm seasons to arrive, so I could sit down on some random bench and write. Sometimes I sit for a few minutes, until I get uncomfortable and restless, and sometimes I sit for half an hour or longer.
It feels balancing to me. In my thought system, I’m so used to live the illusion of being the opposite of normal, I feel belonging, being the lonesome difference that either peaks out like a broken toe or stays totally unnoticed like something others can’t filter through their perceptions. It’s just what I’ve been told all too often in the past.
But in the Now, the irony is, that all this is just my own perception of myself. I have no clue what other people think, and the past is an outdated dictionary, that would lead to the wrong clues.
I practice to just drop the thoughts, whenever I catch them drawing outdated sketches of what reality is. In this case, what is normal? Normal is same as illusionary as being the opposite. In reality, normal will only ever be an individual perception.
The divine understanding of normal, is what you feel when you feel like being you.
When you are in flow of your life and don’t question anything for a moment, because it all feels just right.

Have a good week ❤

Fillandra

p.s. the to go cup on the pic is a reusable bamboo cup. I’m a lot into sustainable stuff and avoiding plastic lately. It’s inspirational, fun and soo much easier than I thought 🙂

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Writer’s Diary #1 – Setting the inner Writer free

One could think, that the past weeks have been successful for me, when it comes to writing. It has been, because I published 3 blog posts while I was in Lindau last weekend. But tell that to the little naggy ‘complainer’ in my head… because, besides that, I didn’t really do my writing exercises. No writing to fixed times each day (I didn’t even set times that I could have skipped) and no morning pages, even.
Since I’ve been to another theta healing workshop while I was in Lindau, I had a wonderful frame to realize and release all those negative subconscious thought patterns, that made the process of writing a tour through internal hell, over the past years. Yet there still is a lot more I can and will do, to set myself free. Free of fear, doubt, anger and emotional pain.

When I was a kid in school, writing stories was the one thing, I could shine with. The one thing, I could make people proud with and it didn’t cost me any effort (unlike any other homework). They gave us some hints on what to write about and I just dropped the story on paper as if it was already finished and just stored inside of me.
Later, when I reached puberty and my depression got really bad, I lost this effortlessness. Even though my mental health has improved drastically by now, I still work on finding back to that ease in writing.
I’m still way too concerned about what is “okay to show” and what not…
Writing is something intimate. I believe that a good and inspired writer, gives out a concentrated essence of authenticity and personal emotion, when he/she publishes his/her texts.
I read a lot of my old posts, over the past weeks, and I could tell exactly, where I tried to be someone I wasn’t (mostly influenced by mainstream youtubers) and when I was led by the flow and rhythm of my inner voice.
So, when I was gliding into depression, my teachers didn’t know how to deal with the darkness. They just signalized me to hide it and just somehow get rid of it on my own, a.s.a.p., because it is something that is not okay or normal. No one got to the idea, that I could use some help…
Just to picture one of the major road blocks, I discovered on the path to free writing.

So in the process of setting my inner writer free, I let her get comfortable with the power of free choice on what and how to write.
It sounds weird, but whenever I’m writing about “dark” emotions or something else, I think is unacceptable or crappy, I wind myself. I get an itchy feeling in my chest, I get restless and most of the time, I refuse to continue after less than three sentences and leave the desk to do something else.
So over the past months, of continuously working on freeing my inner writer, I forced myself to write about the unacceptable things to proof to myself, the ceiling won’t drop on my head and no one is going to reject me just because I wrote something.
I told myself, I don’t have to publish or share it in any way ever, but it is so crucial at this point, that my subconscious lears it can give out everything that is in there, wanting to be let go of.

Art and creativity should be a tool to feel free. They are a playground to express whatever feels right, without being stopped and resorted by rationality and rules. That’s why I’m a born artist. Rationality and logic, never have been my greatest strength. I speak the language of color, sensation and emotion. And healing myself means, finding back to feeling okay and just right to be this way.

Fillandra

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Embracing Connection

As the sun goes up, shadows fade, light is increasing, yet I’m one of the first awake people on this peaceful, rainy sunday morning.
I’m awake for a while already and as I got bored by laying in bed, listening to music and waiting for the day to start, I went out to stand under the roofed entrance of the hostel and listen to the rain and the birds.

It is my last day in Lindau, for this month. And instead of giving myself into despair, I expanded my consciousness to embrace the place. I closed my eyes… there is the small island of Lindau, a train is crossing the bridge to reach the main station… there is the water and the birds and the mountains… there is every drop of rain around me.

I noticed resistance. And I immediately realized why. My past my experiences. Understanding and embracing that it’s only natural that I am the way I am and that I feel the way I feel.
Without going into the details of that what lays behind, I tell you that I realized that I had to decide for myself ‘it is okay to be connected’.

In the end, we and we alone decide what is okay and what not. We and we alone choose what we believe in. Due to my theta healing ® workshop, I’m, once more, consciously discovering my believe patterns, understanding their purpose and rewriting them in a benefitting and self-loving way. This is so easy and yet soo effective. It changes my vibration, it releases traumatic memories and sets me free to embrace myself and life for the divine essence it is.

I decided it’s now safe to give myself to the great unity consciousness, that I came into life with. I’ve learned from the negative experiences I made and from now on it will show me love and synchronicity. I closed my eyes again and sank a bit deeper into the energetic information around me. And I immediately got proofed, I was right.

May big wings carry you ❤
Fillandra
 

Letting go

All healing takes is commitment to letting go of what keeps me from realizing that I’m whole, that I always was and ever will be.
Choosing that the issue is no longer needed and embracing the essence of the positive lesson it tried to/was teach me. Throwing it like a carrier pigeon into the light, but throwing it stout-hearted, so the pigeon get’s its needed hight to fly to its destination.

 

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Lindau, the home of my heart

As the sun goes down, silence and peace settle in my heart. Whenever I come to Lindau, I’m grateful to be here. Each time, it seems to come unexpected and as a proof, that all I really desire comes to me at the right time.
Ever since the first time I arrived here, I fall in love with this place more and more. Each time I leave, I leave a part of my soul here, while I am gifted and blessed with the revelation of my true self at the same time. It’s like a marriage to magnificent spirit of the lake, the mountains and the sacred ground.

This time, I couldn’t believe I’d be back, even though the scheduled travel day came closer and closer. It took me some minutes, standing by the lake until I arrived in the moment. Then, the reliable, heavenly joy came over me.
Before checking into the hostel, I went to Noblesse, my favorite store. They have a large selection of vibrant gemstones. The shop owner brings them from all over the world and I just looove to hold them in my hand, listening and feeling along to their differently beautiful vibrations.
It became my little ritual to first great the lake, when I drop out of the train and then go and pick some stones for my friends and myself 🙂

Enjoy the sunset impression ❤

May big wings carry you ~~
Fillandra

Fillandra

 

The right time is when your Heart is open

In a moment of happiness, let me tell you: you get what you ask for.
I’ve been asking for a certain feeling, a certain inspiration, someone I can share authenticity, and my happiness and simple, honest being-ness with, my whole life.
My mind had made up a lot of stories of why I didn’t get it.
Not getting your desires fulfilled is so painful, your mind needs a reason to explain why you possibly “don’t deserve” it.

But in reality you will get it to the very right time. The time it falls like water and sun on your field of seeds and helps you to blossom.
The time you’re actually open. We all hated our parents when they told us it’s not the right time for something (mostly because they thought we were too young) but there is some truth to it. There is always a reason for when something doesn’t happen or work out. Either we’re not truly ready and subconsciously sabotaging ourselves (like in the following example) or the universe simply knows there is a better time for it to happen (or both).

In my times of wanting and waiting, I had a lot of time to fantasize about who this person would be and how he/she would be like. Which isn’t wrong in itself. Phantasy is this awesome tool that let’s you experience something that isn’t physically there, but yet it makes it reality, because you feel it. But that’s about it, what phantasy is meant for. Because openly feeling something creates it (or more of it) in your reality.
Images are just ideas, made up by the mind. And the mind gets attached to them, but that lures you away from the essence of that feeling.

Even though I kinda knew that (rationally knowing something doesn’t keep you from experiencing and feeling through a process), I got attached to those ideas. And in my desperate situation of feeling incomplete, I started wondering what compromises I would have to make, to find that person in somebody. And the worst question of all: Who would I have to be in order to find that person?

Those questions, I was asking myself (rather subconsciously), lead me to a lot of people and a lot of good and bad experiences and that taught me a hellalot about life.

One day I just sat somewhere becoming myself again and I saw a person (who always is at this place, at this time, making art), being himself too. As someone empathetic as I am, I feel people’s energy and I can tell when someone has a pure and open heart. And I had those old thoughts coming up, about who I need to be to deserve talking to that person. But I pushed those thoughts out of my head and focused back on myself and what I wanted to achieve for myself: being authentic and free from those ideas.
But being me, was just the right thing, for what feels like the first time of my life. From then on, we are just ourselves when we meet. It’s nothing but a pure energetic connection from heart to heart. It’s just what I asked for.
And even more than that, this person inspires me and strengthens me in finding myself and finding trust in my dreams/goals.

People who know Love for what it is, pure cosmic energy, are rare (in my experience). And I’m happy that there is another artist out there that I can share just that with.

Relationships, ideas, expectations, physical attraction… all those things scare the hell out of me, because I don’t know what I’m at (if the person doesn’t themself to some degree). At this point of my life, nothing makes me more happy than knowing where to find someone who doesn’t scare me. Someone I can just be myself with, and get back the same simplicity and honesty at heart. It’s just incredibly healing to know every time I go there, I go home feeling better, feeling inspired and like I know a bit better who I am and what I can give to this world.

~

Now, standing on my balcony, listening to the rain drops and the owls having a conversation from one side of the forest to the other (sounds so sweet *-*), I felt like sharing this.
If you follow your feeling, you’ll create it. What if’s and “because this is wrong with me”-thoughts are symptoms of your situation, they are not a reason to rate your life on how good or bad it is.

You deserve your desires being met (kinda a Teal Swan quote, not sure if it’s word on word though).

Have a great time
May big wings carry you ❤

Fillandra