One could think, that the past weeks have been successful for me, when it comes to writing. It has been, because I published 3 blog posts while I was in Lindau last weekend. But tell that to the little naggy ‘complainer’ in my head… because, besides that, I didn’t really do my writing exercises. No writing to fixed times each day (I didn’t even set times that I could have skipped) and no morning pages, even.
Since I’ve been to another theta healing workshop while I was in Lindau, I had a wonderful frame to realize and release all those negative subconscious thought patterns, that made the process of writing a tour through internal hell, over the past years. Yet there still is a lot more I can and will do, to set myself free. Free of fear, doubt, anger and emotional pain.
When I was a kid in school, writing stories was the one thing, I could shine with. The one thing, I could make people proud with and it didn’t cost me any effort (unlike any other homework). They gave us some hints on what to write about and I just dropped the story on paper as if it was already finished and just stored inside of me.
Later, when I reached puberty and my depression got really bad, I lost this effortlessness. Even though my mental health has improved drastically by now, I still work on finding back to that ease in writing.
I’m still way too concerned about what is “okay to show” and what not…
Writing is something intimate. I believe that a good and inspired writer, gives out a concentrated essence of authenticity and personal emotion, when he/she publishes his/her texts.
I read a lot of my old posts, over the past weeks, and I could tell exactly, where I tried to be someone I wasn’t (mostly influenced by mainstream youtubers) and when I was led by the flow and rhythm of my inner voice.
So, when I was gliding into depression, my teachers didn’t know how to deal with the darkness. They just signalized me to hide it and just somehow get rid of it on my own, a.s.a.p., because it is something that is not okay or normal. No one got to the idea, that I could use some help…
Just to picture one of the major road blocks, I discovered on the path to free writing.
So in the process of setting my inner writer free, I let her get comfortable with the power of free choice on what and how to write.
It sounds weird, but whenever I’m writing about “dark” emotions or something else, I think is unacceptable or crappy, I wind myself. I get an itchy feeling in my chest, I get restless and most of the time, I refuse to continue after less than three sentences and leave the desk to do something else.
So over the past months, of continuously working on freeing my inner writer, I forced myself to write about the unacceptable things to proof to myself, the ceiling won’t drop on my head and no one is going to reject me just because I wrote something.
I told myself, I don’t have to publish or share it in any way ever, but it is so crucial at this point, that my subconscious lears it can give out everything that is in there, wanting to be let go of.
Art and creativity should be a tool to feel free. They are a playground to express whatever feels right, without being stopped and resorted by rationality and rules. That’s why I’m a born artist. Rationality and logic, never have been my greatest strength. I speak the language of color, sensation and emotion. And healing myself means, finding back to feeling okay and just right to be this way.