The Illusion of Normal ~ Pole of Stillness * Writer’s Diary #2

Humanity on the streets appears like a shoal of fish to me sometimes. Striving into certain directions, running their errands, as if they were on auto pilot.
I love to exit that rushing flow sometimes, to be a pole of stillness at the side of the passenger zone. All winter, I longed for the warm seasons to arrive, so I could sit down on some random bench and write. Sometimes I sit for a few minutes, until I get uncomfortable and restless, and sometimes I sit for half an hour or longer.
It feels balancing to me. In my thought system, I’m so used to live the illusion of being the opposite of normal, I feel belonging, being the lonesome difference that either peaks out like a broken toe or stays totally unnoticed like something others can’t filter through their perceptions. It’s just what I’ve been told all too often in the past.
But in the Now, the irony is, that all this is just my own perception of myself. I have no clue what other people think, and the past is an outdated dictionary, that would lead to the wrong clues.
I practice to just drop the thoughts, whenever I catch them drawing outdated sketches of what reality is. In this case, what is normal? Normal is same as illusionary as being the opposite. In reality, normal will only ever be an individual perception.
The divine understanding of normal, is what you feel when you feel like being you.
When you are in flow of your life and don’t question anything for a moment, because it all feels just right.

Have a good week ❤

Fillandra

p.s. the to go cup on the pic is a reusable bamboo cup. I’m a lot into sustainable stuff and avoiding plastic lately. It’s inspirational, fun and soo much easier than I thought 🙂

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Writer’s Diary #1 – Setting the inner Writer free

One could think, that the past weeks have been successful for me, when it comes to writing. It has been, because I published 3 blog posts while I was in Lindau last weekend. But tell that to the little naggy ‘complainer’ in my head… because, besides that, I didn’t really do my writing exercises. No writing to fixed times each day (I didn’t even set times that I could have skipped) and no morning pages, even.
Since I’ve been to another theta healing workshop while I was in Lindau, I had a wonderful frame to realize and release all those negative subconscious thought patterns, that made the process of writing a tour through internal hell, over the past years. Yet there still is a lot more I can and will do, to set myself free. Free of fear, doubt, anger and emotional pain.

When I was a kid in school, writing stories was the one thing, I could shine with. The one thing, I could make people proud with and it didn’t cost me any effort (unlike any other homework). They gave us some hints on what to write about and I just dropped the story on paper as if it was already finished and just stored inside of me.
Later, when I reached puberty and my depression got really bad, I lost this effortlessness. Even though my mental health has improved drastically by now, I still work on finding back to that ease in writing.
I’m still way too concerned about what is “okay to show” and what not…
Writing is something intimate. I believe that a good and inspired writer, gives out a concentrated essence of authenticity and personal emotion, when he/she publishes his/her texts.
I read a lot of my old posts, over the past weeks, and I could tell exactly, where I tried to be someone I wasn’t (mostly influenced by mainstream youtubers) and when I was led by the flow and rhythm of my inner voice.
So, when I was gliding into depression, my teachers didn’t know how to deal with the darkness. They just signalized me to hide it and just somehow get rid of it on my own, a.s.a.p., because it is something that is not okay or normal. No one got to the idea, that I could use some help…
Just to picture one of the major road blocks, I discovered on the path to free writing.

So in the process of setting my inner writer free, I let her get comfortable with the power of free choice on what and how to write.
It sounds weird, but whenever I’m writing about “dark” emotions or something else, I think is unacceptable or crappy, I wind myself. I get an itchy feeling in my chest, I get restless and most of the time, I refuse to continue after less than three sentences and leave the desk to do something else.
So over the past months, of continuously working on freeing my inner writer, I forced myself to write about the unacceptable things to proof to myself, the ceiling won’t drop on my head and no one is going to reject me just because I wrote something.
I told myself, I don’t have to publish or share it in any way ever, but it is so crucial at this point, that my subconscious lears it can give out everything that is in there, wanting to be let go of.

Art and creativity should be a tool to feel free. They are a playground to express whatever feels right, without being stopped and resorted by rationality and rules. That’s why I’m a born artist. Rationality and logic, never have been my greatest strength. I speak the language of color, sensation and emotion. And healing myself means, finding back to feeling okay and just right to be this way.

Fillandra

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Embracing Connection

As the sun goes up, shadows fade, light is increasing, yet I’m one of the first awake people on this peaceful, rainy sunday morning.
I’m awake for a while already and as I got bored by laying in bed, listening to music and waiting for the day to start, I went out to stand under the roofed entrance of the hostel and listen to the rain and the birds.

It is my last day in Lindau, for this month. And instead of giving myself into despair, I expanded my consciousness to embrace the place. I closed my eyes… there is the small island of Lindau, a train is crossing the bridge to reach the main station… there is the water and the birds and the mountains… there is every drop of rain around me.

I noticed resistance. And I immediately realized why. My past my experiences. Understanding and embracing that it’s only natural that I am the way I am and that I feel the way I feel.
Without going into the details of that what lays behind, I tell you that I realized that I had to decide for myself ‘it is okay to be connected’.

In the end, we and we alone decide what is okay and what not. We and we alone choose what we believe in. Due to my theta healing ® workshop, I’m, once more, consciously discovering my believe patterns, understanding their purpose and rewriting them in a benefitting and self-loving way. This is so easy and yet soo effective. It changes my vibration, it releases traumatic memories and sets me free to embrace myself and life for the divine essence it is.

I decided it’s now safe to give myself to the great unity consciousness, that I came into life with. I’ve learned from the negative experiences I made and from now on it will show me love and synchronicity. I closed my eyes again and sank a bit deeper into the energetic information around me. And I immediately got proofed, I was right.

May big wings carry you ❤
Fillandra
 

Letting go

All healing takes is commitment to letting go of what keeps me from realizing that I’m whole, that I always was and ever will be.
Choosing that the issue is no longer needed and embracing the essence of the positive lesson it tried to/was teach me. Throwing it like a carrier pigeon into the light, but throwing it stout-hearted, so the pigeon get’s its needed hight to fly to its destination.

 

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Lindau, the home of my heart

As the sun goes down, silence and peace settle in my heart. Whenever I come to Lindau, I’m grateful to be here. Each time, it seems to come unexpected and as a proof, that all I really desire comes to me at the right time.
Ever since the first time I arrived here, I fall in love with this place more and more. Each time I leave, I leave a part of my soul here, while I am gifted and blessed with the revelation of my true self at the same time. It’s like a marriage to magnificent spirit of the lake, the mountains and the sacred ground.

This time, I couldn’t believe I’d be back, even though the scheduled travel day came closer and closer. It took me some minutes, standing by the lake until I arrived in the moment. Then, the reliable, heavenly joy came over me.
Before checking into the hostel, I went to Noblesse, my favorite store. They have a large selection of vibrant gemstones. The shop owner brings them from all over the world and I just looove to hold them in my hand, listening and feeling along to their differently beautiful vibrations.
It became my little ritual to first great the lake, when I drop out of the train and then go and pick some stones for my friends and myself 🙂

Enjoy the sunset impression ❤

May big wings carry you ~~
Fillandra

Fillandra

 

The right time is when your Heart is open

In a moment of happiness, let me tell you: you get what you ask for.
I’ve been asking for a certain feeling, a certain inspiration, someone I can share authenticity, and my happiness and simple, honest being-ness with, my whole life.
My mind had made up a lot of stories of why I didn’t get it.
Not getting your desires fulfilled is so painful, your mind needs a reason to explain why you possibly “don’t deserve” it.

But in reality you will get it to the very right time. The time it falls like water and sun on your field of seeds and helps you to blossom.
The time you’re actually open. We all hated our parents when they told us it’s not the right time for something (mostly because they thought we were too young) but there is some truth to it. There is always a reason for when something doesn’t happen or work out. Either we’re not truly ready and subconsciously sabotaging ourselves (like in the following example) or the universe simply knows there is a better time for it to happen (or both).

In my times of wanting and waiting, I had a lot of time to fantasize about who this person would be and how he/she would be like. Which isn’t wrong in itself. Phantasy is this awesome tool that let’s you experience something that isn’t physically there, but yet it makes it reality, because you feel it. But that’s about it, what phantasy is meant for. Because openly feeling something creates it (or more of it) in your reality.
Images are just ideas, made up by the mind. And the mind gets attached to them, but that lures you away from the essence of that feeling.

Even though I kinda knew that (rationally knowing something doesn’t keep you from experiencing and feeling through a process), I got attached to those ideas. And in my desperate situation of feeling incomplete, I started wondering what compromises I would have to make, to find that person in somebody. And the worst question of all: Who would I have to be in order to find that person?

Those questions, I was asking myself (rather subconsciously), lead me to a lot of people and a lot of good and bad experiences and that taught me a hellalot about life.

One day I just sat somewhere becoming myself again and I saw a person (who always is at this place, at this time, making art), being himself too. As someone empathetic as I am, I feel people’s energy and I can tell when someone has a pure and open heart. And I had those old thoughts coming up, about who I need to be to deserve talking to that person. But I pushed those thoughts out of my head and focused back on myself and what I wanted to achieve for myself: being authentic and free from those ideas.
But being me, was just the right thing, for what feels like the first time of my life. From then on, we are just ourselves when we meet. It’s nothing but a pure energetic connection from heart to heart. It’s just what I asked for.
And even more than that, this person inspires me and strengthens me in finding myself and finding trust in my dreams/goals.

People who know Love for what it is, pure cosmic energy, are rare (in my experience). And I’m happy that there is another artist out there that I can share just that with.

Relationships, ideas, expectations, physical attraction… all those things scare the hell out of me, because I don’t know what I’m at (if the person doesn’t themself to some degree). At this point of my life, nothing makes me more happy than knowing where to find someone who doesn’t scare me. Someone I can just be myself with, and get back the same simplicity and honesty at heart. It’s just incredibly healing to know every time I go there, I go home feeling better, feeling inspired and like I know a bit better who I am and what I can give to this world.

~

Now, standing on my balcony, listening to the rain drops and the owls having a conversation from one side of the forest to the other (sounds so sweet *-*), I felt like sharing this.
If you follow your feeling, you’ll create it. What if’s and “because this is wrong with me”-thoughts are symptoms of your situation, they are not a reason to rate your life on how good or bad it is.

You deserve your desires being met (kinda a Teal Swan quote, not sure if it’s word on word though).

Have a great time
May big wings carry you ❤

Fillandra

The Roots of my negative Believes are Preventing me from Moving on.

I’m leaning against the window of the bus, watching the buildings of Wiesbaden drive by. It’s twelve pm and I know how privileged I am in my current life situation. I’m on my way to fulfill duties and I have a lot of stress lately, that other people don’t have, but what does that count in a moment one feels guilty for having what other people long for.
My friends are either in school, university or at work right now, while I can get my stuff done whenever I wake up and feel like leaving the house.
‘I need to get a job’, I think, feeling panik about having to give up that freedom and personality. But wait, do I have to?
The right thing shouldn’t feel wrong. The only question is, what is my right thing to do? I couldn’t find out yet. I made an education course and became a healing coach last year, that’s definitely my thing. And in general I know way better what I like and don’t like, what I’m capable of and what not. Yet I don’t feel ready to practice as a coach, because I’m young, I lack energetic stability and clarity at this point of my life and I doubt I will stay here any longer than I have to. I wanna see the world.
What else could I do in the meantime? I realized I have way to much stigma of what a job is and what it would feel like, to find one that is what I actually want. Yes you can attract and push away things at the same time. In other words, you can’t manifest your desires as long there is a voice in your head telling you it won’t work or be possible.
My spontaneous thought of what I would have to give up in order to earn a steady amount of money, shows how many stories about ‘you can’t have what you want’ I’m telling myself.
According to Teal Swan, those stories we tell ourselves have roots/reasons. So I’ll have to figure out mine, since I’m not going to give up on what I want my life to feel and be like.

Discovering and solving issues of my life is the hardest part. Nothing else takes this long, because I feel a great purpose in observing my thoughts, behavior and feelings around a stuck situation, in order to teach others what I learn from it and help them set themselves free. ….Then again I wonder why haven’t I written a thousand books yet? Because I doubt myself. The one that makes our life hard, is us. We don’t dare to shine out our raw authentic selves, we don’t act because we think we can’t, we don’t love ourselves enough to feel strong. Let’s practice changing those hundreds of generations old patterns!

I’ll keep you updated

Fillandra

Happy New Year

Hello lovely readers,

long time no posts… 😦 I still don’t have a computer and posting from the phone isn’t as much fun, since I love writing deep texts and edit them until they feel round and balanced.

It’s the last day of the year as I type this on the computer of a friend. The last weeks and months have been a chaos on so many levels… Of course I made great experiences, lovely memories and I’ve learned and grown. But this up and down in emotions, the uncertainty and the challenge to deal with situations which are too strange for my mind to cope… it left me with an empty, foggy head. It’s the last day of the year but it feels just like a random day in my life to me. I will be alone as soon as I dropped of my friend as his family celebration and just rest and gather myself.

My resolution for my upcoming time, just like it has been for the past few weeks, is to take action. I have ideas of what I could and want to do, but yet I see myself doing nearly nothing to make those things happen, being blocked and feeling miserable about it.
If I want to get out of a stuck situation, I gotta get things moving.
I’m not the kind of person who writes a long list of resolutions just to try hard for one or two weeks, just to give it all up then and feel miserable for the rest of the year.
You can’t expect yourself to do it all at once, that just wont work. You have all the regular and unexpected challenges that life brings a long and you don’t have unlimited resources because you’re a loving, feeling human and not a machine. If this topic is interesting for you, I can recommend the book Willpower: Rediscovering our greatest strength by Roy Baumeister and John Tierney.
So I set myself little goals all year long, which are in adequate to the current situation. And I practice to be patient and loving with myself all along.

That’s it for today… I wish you a great start into a wonderful year. Remember to shift your focus, if you don’t like what you see. There is always something you can do to make things a little bit better now, even if it’s just breathing deeply. Treat yourself well, because a thousand loving people can’t do if you don’t give yourself the love you need. Your body, your life, your breath is a gift – honor the good things and they will multiply.

Namasté

May big wings carry you

Fillandra

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*click* I got it! ~ understanding the self

That moment when you get something about yourself, something you misunderstood for months and everything shifts and flows from there on, wow!

I’m currently reading an interesting book about discipline: Willpower: rediscovering our greatest strength. By Roy Baumeister and John Tierney. I read it neutrally, because I don’t resonate with everything they write, but I get a lot of inspiration from it. And as it often is, it was a little “unimportant” sentence that clicked the most so far. It says that daily routines strengthens the willpower in general and that writers benefit a lot if they just write a page each day. I knew that for a long time and I usually have a little notebook with me wherever I go. But this sentence made me get up, grab a piece of copy paper and decide that I’ll write a page each day from now on, for a book without concept, without a title, without a story idea. It’s a dream of mine to publish a book one day and I had multiple tries, but I always gave up because my mind made up concepts and ideas of what’s right and what not.  I committed myself to do these daily pages for 21 days and signed it at the end of the page.

After I wrote this first page, or rather in the process of writing it, the final aha happened. For a looong time I struggled with the fact that I felt unworthy, restless and in pain whenever I had an unproductive day. I thought it was because of societies expectations and the fact that I live a life far from those norms. I thought I just had to hush this feeling of guilt – which I never really could. I rarely ever felt like I did enough, no matter how much more I gave and how much further I bended myself into my (actual and self created) responsibilities (mainly taking care of people).

Now I got it! I realized it’s actually my subconscious reminding me of all the things I’d love to do, the things that found less and less place in my life, the more I created responsibilities hoping they’d hush that painful feeling.

The next day (Sunday) benefited from this realization. I woke up at 5 am with a scene that wanted to be written down. I didn’t like it too much and wanted to dream on, but it didn’t fade – it rather got even more detailed as I tried to shake it off. So I got up and wrote it down. Cool, the page is done before the day even started!

Later on that morning I met with the mother of a friend, who borrowed me her car, to go on a test drive together. Long story short, I’m super thankful for this incredible gift of opportunity. I have my driving licence for a year now and this is the first time I finally get a chance to actually use it and get routine in driving. Back home, having the car in front of my house, I was so overwhelmed by everything. I’m a high sensitive person, I always feel really strange after big new things. This time I naturally discharged this energetic overload into a painting. My little have brother asked me to paint the suicide squat joker for him, so I didn’t have to think. And like I did with the first so far pages, I cared not to let my mind bring a concept into it. Hush critic, this is a brand new acrylic book (or how ever to name it) you have enough more papers if this one turned out as something else then the joker. But it turned out quite well actually and is almost done 🙂

My goodness, is cheap tablet I’m writing this post on, is so hard to work with -.- it does whatever it wants xD no wonder my grandparents gifted it to me, I bet it frustrated them too.

I enjoyed sharing this with you!

Have a wonderful day or night ❤

Fillandra

Growth of a Traveler

I just came back to Wiesbaden, from a ten days vacation at my dad’s house near the Baltic sea. I saw once again why I’ve learned to go into experiences of any kind without expectations, or at least as few as possible. I expected these vacations to be filled with the typical vacation feeling. That it’d be joyous and bring ground breaking new inspirations for my future job as a healing coach (now that I successfully finished the education courses I’ve visited in Lindau over the past half year). Each time I expect something as if I couldn’t imagine any other possible option, the universe shows me: of course there is another option.

The first days have been an emotional up and down, I saw my childhood repeat itself in the outside. Means: I saw behavior patterns repeat themselves between my dad and my little half siblings, I saw situations repeat with them and I believed to see them, feel like I used to feel. Of course I’m aware that they probably didn’t feel exactly like I did and that I only see unhealed wounds and pending lessons/realizations mirrored on them. So I watched and I hurt, for 7 days, until it finally broke through. On Sunday night it exploded between my dad and me and I finally had a chance to speak out how he used to make me feel, with what he thought was fun for both of us. For years it has been an issue for me, that I wasn’t able to word myself as a child, that I couldn’t word what I felt, couldn’t share how I perceived the world and worst of all – that my no wasn’t heard.

We had a long conversation and each of us understood a lot. I, for example, realized that I couldn’t get over this issue alone because it was meant to teach him something. Since that night I feel lighter. This has been the break through I expected, though it’s different from what I thought.

Being back now I feel weird, okay though, but I’m aware that Wiesbaden insn’t my place to be anymore. I have my things to do here, still, but who knows for how long. The side effect of living a conscious life is, that you see things ending loooong  before they are over.

What I learned today, observing crows in the park (if you follow me on instagram you know) is, “be like a raven Fillandra”. They live joyously, in a huge family, they share their food and each has their place. They don’t know worries, they know their place and fully live the moment. The universe feeds them.They are one of my animal guides for a reason. 🙂

May big wings carry you!

Good night from Germany ❤

Fillandra

(Images: Marked place of Wiesbaden, where I started writing the post, earlier this evening. Copyright by me)